RSS
 

Nursing School

01 Oct

Wow, Nursing School really does take up a lot of time. I’m swamped and have been away so long that I actually forgot the URL to log in and update this blog. I had plans. Big plans. And I was waiting to get them sorted out before I posted more… but… alas.

I’m about 1/2 way through and I’m learning a lot. It’s fun and exciting and totally exhausting. I’m trying to get back into knitting, as well, just so I have something to do that isn’t related to hospitals and sick people. Though I do find myself thinking I should knit something for the babies at the hospital. I can’t get away from it. I suppose that’s a good thing that I like it so much I think about it all the time. :-)

I’m thinking I need less stuff in general, especially now that I live in a house where I can spread it all out and see it all. Culling of the Stuff is a recurring theme in my life, but somehow I never get enough out of the way. I think I need a plan this time. I have a short break coming up in a month, maybe I’ll dedicate a couple days to thinning the stuff.

 
 

Adventures in Depression

27 Oct

This is a dead on description of depression. It’s so strange sometimes. Adventures in Depression

Some people have a legitimate reason to feel depressed, but not me. I just woke up one day feeling sad and helpless for absolutely no reason.

It’s disappointing to feel sad for no reason. Sadness can be almost pleasantly indulgent when you have a way to justify it – you can listen to sad music and imagine yourself as the protagonist in a dramatic movie. You can gaze out the window while you’re crying and think “This is so sad. I can’t even believe how sad this whole situation is. I bet even a reenactment of my sadness could bring an entire theater audience to tears.”

But my sadness didn’t have a purpose.  Listening to sad music and imagining that my life was a movie just made me feel kind of weird because I couldn’t really get behind the idea of a movie where the character is sad for no reason.

Essentially, I was being robbed of my right to feel self pity, which is the only redeeming part of sadness.

And for a little bit, that was a good enough reason to pity myself.

Standing around feeling sorry for myself was momentarily exhilarating, but I grew tired of it quickly. “That will do,” I thought. “I’ve had my fun, let’s move on to something else now.“ But the sadness didn’t go away.

I tried to force myself to not be sad.

But trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back.  A fundamental component of the plan is missing and it isn’t going to work. 

When I couldn’t will myself to not be sad, I became frustrated and angry. In a final, desperate attempt to regain power over myself, I turned to shame as a sort of motivational tool.

 

But, since I was depressed, this tactic was less inspirational and more just a way to oppress myself with hatred.

Which made me more sad. 

Which then made me more frustrated and abusive.

And that made me even more sad, and so on and so forth until the only way to adequately express my sadness was to crawl very slowly across the floor.

The self-loathing and shame had ceased to be even slightly productive, but it was too late to go back at that point, so I just kept going. I followed myself around like a bully, narrating my thoughts and actions with a constant stream of abuse.

I spent months shut in my house, surfing the internet on top of a pile of my own dirty laundry which I set on the couch for “just a second” because I experienced a sudden moment of apathy on my way to the washer and couldn’t continue. And then, two weeks later, I still hadn’t completed that journey. But who cares – it wasn’t like I had been showering regularly and sitting on a pile of clothes isn’t necessarily uncomfortable. But even if it was, I couldn’t feel anything through the self hatred anyway, so it didn’t matter. JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE.

Slowly, my feelings started to shrivel up. The few that managed to survive the constant beatings staggered around like wounded baby deer, just biding their time until they could die and join all the other carcasses strewn across the wasteland of my soul.

I couldn’t even muster up the enthusiasm to hate myself anymore.

I just drifted around, completely unsure of what I was feeling or whether I could actually feel anything at all.

If my life was a movie, the turning point of my depression would have been inspirational and meaningful. It would have involved wisdom-filled epiphanies about discovering my true self and I would conquer my demons and go on to live out the rest of my life in happiness.

Instead, my turning point mostly hinged upon the fact that I had rented some movies and then I didn’t return them for too long.

The late fees had reached the point where the injustice of paying any more than I already owed outweighed my apathy. I considered just keeping the movies and never going to the video store again, but then I remembered that I still wanted to re-watch Jumanji.

I put on some clothes, put the movies in my backpack and biked to the video store. It was the slowest, most resentful bike ride ever.

And when I arrived, I found out that they didn’t even have Jumanji in.

Just as I was debating whether I should settle on a movie that wasn’t Jumanji or go home and stare in abject silence, I noticed a woman looking at me weirdly from a couple rows over.

She was probably looking at me that way because I looked really, really depressed and I was dressed like an eskimo vagrant.

Normally, I would have felt an instant, crushing sense of self-consciousness, but instead, I felt nothing.

I’ve always wanted to not give a fuck. While crying helplessly into my pillow for no good reason, I would often fantasize that maybe someday I could be one of those stoic badasses whose emotions are mostly comprised of rock music and not being afraid of things. And finally – finally – after a lifetime of feelings and anxiety and more feelings, I didn’t have any feelings left. I had spent my last feeling being disappointed that I couldn’t rent Jumanji.

I felt invincible.

And thus began a tiny rebellion.

Then I swooped out of there like the Batman and biked home in a blaze of defiant glory.

And that’s how my depression got so horrible that it actually broke through to the other side and became a sort of fear-proof exoskeleton.

from Hyperbole and a Half http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+Hyperbole-and-a-half+%28Hyperbole-And-A-Half%29

 
 

Autumn

15 Oct

My cat is curled up on the couch next to me making little grunting noises with each breath. Not quite snores, more like little sighs. It’s been rainy and windy the past couple days and I think it’s actually autumn now.

There’s a kid who’s been riding his bike up and down the street all morning and he gets to ride with the wind to go toward the cul-de-sac and then has to fight against it to go back toward home. Just a few minutes ago there was a big crash like something fell on the house and when I looked out the front window, the kid was slowly riding away from my garage door. I’ll have to go check to make sure he didn’t dent it. I haven’t seen him out on the street since the crash. suspicious.

There is something really odd about people pulling into my driveway to turn around. Maybe it looks like no one lives her? We can’t figure out why they don’t continue on to drive around the circle. Mine is the last house on the left before the circle, so they’re feet away from it, but THREE cars pulled into my driveway to turn around just the other night. And now this kid on his bike decides to ride up my driveway and crash into my garage door. What the hell? I guess I don’t understand suburbia yet.

Last night Mr. Marsh and I went to some friends’ house and played with their baby and had burgers. Then we spent four hours finishing a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle! We had a great sense of accomplishment when we left, but that much focus really can exhaust someone! Luckily, at that time of night there isn’t traffic on the cross town street that connects our houses so we got home easily. I like having a nice, easy cross town street so close, but I don’t like that all of the rest of the city also wants to use it. Plus, it goes right past a couple malls so it’s about to get super extra crowded with holiday shoppers. I’ll have to be sure to get my shopping finished early, and online.

It’s been great having Mr. Marsh in town and getting to explore things with him. We picked out where his P.O. Box will be, but don’t really need to rent it till closer to when he’s going to be here. We went to my niece’s birthday party and had a great time with family and friends. We stopped by the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame’s gift shop — we didn’t have the time we wanted to go through the museum this visit. We drove through the country and looked at the trees turning, and drove half way to a small town near here to have a birthday drink but gave up when the rain started falling really really hard and we could hardly see. So we gave up and went to the chain cheesecake restaurant along the better lit route and had a drink and a bit of cheesecake instead. It was yummy.

The rain here is more serious than in norcal and I’m already really aware of the difference in weather. It’s nice to have a bit of a change. It should be in the low 50s later this week, and soon there will be actual cold instead of the constant chilly and damp I’m used to. I’m sort of looking forward to it, though I know I’ll likely get tired of it long before the temps warm up again.

Anyone who wants to see snow is welcome to visit soon; I think you’ll be too late to see red/gold leaves soon.

 
No Comments

Posted in moving

 

Mostly Settled

19 Sep

I’m mostly settled in my new place in Ohio. I like it, but I find myself homesick at strange times. I woke up this weekend thinking I should see if I could hang out with MamaPajama this weekend, then realized that was pretty unlikely to happen. The house still feels empty, but I think that’s the wall colour. Even with art on the walls, they look bare. I wasn’t really thinking of painting the WHOLE house, so hopefully I’ll just get used to it.

School is going along nicely. The BioEthics class has been really interesting and I wish we had more time to talk about things. Since it’s a half semester class we end up having quick discussions on each topic.

The other class is a Sociology class about multiculturalism. The students are a mix between regular 4yr college students and those of us in the accelerated program. There a couple of the younger students who say things that make us return students raise our eyebrows.

I’m surprised by how so many people still can’t talk about sex. even students in the nursing program who was describing artificial insemination got all flustered and blushed. We all took Anatomy already, you can say “cervix” and “uterus” without making a big deal about it! I just hope she doesn’t intend to go into ob/gyn or L&D.

Galahad is enjoying the house and the sliding glass door with the big view of the backyard. We saw a rabbit out there one night.

And this past week I tried cooking in my oven for the first time. Whoah! First, one of the two oven racks is actually fuzzy with gunk. I put it on the back porch till I find something to scrub it with — like a brillo pad. Second, the racks were both in backward.

Moving into a new place is always an adventure. At least we got the stove sorted out. It used to tick at random times, but frequently, and the strikers didn’t work on the front two burners.

Mom is coming into town this week for work, but only for one night. So tonight we’re going shopping for new jeans and new slacks, cause I gained weight and gave away all the trousers that were too small for me so now about 90% of my wardrobe is tops. I can’t volunteer at the hospital Mom just built, which is very near here, wearing jeans so I really need to fill in that part of the closet.

Also, Happy Birthday to Mr. Marsh and to my brother E!

 
 

Going back to Ohio

22 Aug

Yesterday I and my cat moved to Cleveland from Oakland. Oakland was chilly, I wore jeans and layered shirts and a sweatshirt. Ohio is 71℉. I know it won’t be too long before Oakland is much warmer than here, but I have to say it’s nice to wear shorts.

Speaking of wearing shorts. I guess usually I only wear shorts on the playa in Black Rock City, so today as the wind blew on my legs I had a feeling of Burning Man. I’m sure going to miss being out there this year and I can’t wait for my friends to come back with their stories and pictures and new friends.

Sitting here writing this I just got calls from the car transport people and the mover. My car will be here tomorrow before noon, so quick. I’m only slightly disappointed because I do like getting to drive new cars from time to time and this rental is a push button start – fun! My mover will be here Monday with all all my stuff. Lucky for me I won’t have classes that day so I can sit around with all my boxes getting settled some. Poor Galahad will have just gotten used to the hotel.

Now I need to go find a bank so I can get a cashier’s check to pay for my car delivery. Neither the national bank I belong to nor the ones my parents belong to have branches here, so I’m off to find a brand new hopefully actually national bank so I don’t have to change again next time I move.

 
No Comments

Posted in moving

 

boxes boxes boxes

11 Aug

I’m living in a maze of boxes, and today I went to my storage unit to start pulling stuff out of there so the moving truck only has to make one stop. You never realize how much stuff you have until you look at it all stacked in boxes in your living room. And I feel like there’s so much more to go!

Moving across the country is so strange. How do I clean the house after my vacuum and brooms are packed on the truck? How do I clean the new place before my vacuum and broom get there?

I found a box full of cords in my storage unit, too. Just all sorts of cords, some power cords, some A/V cords, some who knows what. Obviously I don’t need them for anything, but how do I get rid of them? Charity shop? Trash?
I spent a couple hours in storage today making sections for Take to Ohio, Charity Shop, and Trash. I have a couple Burning Man useful things that I’m not 100% sure what to do with. Maybe I’ll take them over to some of my camp mates to see if they’re need in camp this year. It would be one less box I have to fit in my living room.

 
 

Out of sorts

08 Aug

I’m moving, and that has me all out of sorts. I’m homesick for the Bay Area already, but I know I’m doing the right thing and I’m excited to learn a new city and have some space to breathe. I want to pack up as quickly as possible so I can have that out of the way, but I want to leave things out as long as I possibly can so I’m not living among boxes and I can browse my books or work on some art or whatever!

I wish I were going to Black Rock City this year, but instead my Right of Passage is to start school on the other side of the country from where I’ve lived the last 10 years but just about 45 min from where I was born. I’m so excited to have a chance get to know some of my family better, and I’m so heartbroken to be leaving behind so many loved ones here.

What if I forget to pack something in my suitcase that I’ll need before my moving truck arrives? What if a box of emotionally important things gets lost? What if my box of school books for this semester gets lost?

I’m actually pretty sure there won’t be any dramatic events. Galahad and I will get on the plane and he’ll be confused and frightened, but soon enough we’ll be in our hotel room on the other side. And soon after that I’ll be moved into the new house I rented and we’ll both get settled in. And in January, Mr. Marsh will join us and we’ll have a late Christmas again this Winter.

And I’m sure someday I’ll get used to going into the coat closet to get my mail, but for a while I’ll think it’s really funny every time I do.

 
 

Regular Retail Therapy Prolongs Life

07 Apr

no kidding, that’s the title of the article i just read. blah, blah, blah, confounds. i’m going shopping more often from now on and i’m not going to feel guilty because it’s GOOD for me! i’m extending my life over here.

 

Regular retail therapy prolongs life

A spot of regular retail therapy really does seem to help people live longer, suggests research published online in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health.

 
 

Changing the way we get taught

05 Apr

i guess because i’m in school again i’ve been thinking a lot about how lessons are taught, and seeing first hand how well prepared (or not) students are in science when they come to college. this article caught my eye this morning. i’ve only had a very few teachers who couldn’t answer questions on the spot, so i think the teachers might actually end up liking a set up like this better. i suppose they’d want/need to record their own lectures to be sure the students are being taught the subject matter they expect, including any little tips and tricks the professor knows (like those little rhymes that help you remember how to spell).

i need to brush up on my long division before taking one of those standardized tests as part of the nursing school application process, so i think i may just see if the khan academy has anything for me.

Khan Academy aims to reinvent education through video (w/ video)

(PhysOrg.com) — The problems with basic education, both in the US and other countries, are complex, but one website may have the ability to improve education on a global scale. The Khan Academy, whose mission is to “provide a free world-class education to anyone, anywhere,” currently has 2,200 video tutorials on subjects ranging from math to science to history. Not only could the free educational videos help individual students learn better, but the concept could also reform schools by redefining the teacher’s role and laying the foundations for a global classroom.

 

 
No Comments

Posted in school

 

i got a D in valentine’s day

15 Feb

so, friday i realized that i had two days till valentine’s day. two days that i would be out of town and with mr. marsh the whole time! ooops!

he had mentioned a place he knew where they might have a wallet he liked, and i offered to buy it for him as his valentine’s day gift. the wallet was on sale for just over $10! i know it’s the thought that counts, but i wanted to spend more than 10 bucks on the guy.

so i figured i’d bake him a cake or some brownies monday while he was at work. however, we had friends over sunday night and they brought desserts… plural. scratch making more sweets.

monday night we had a nice dinner of pasta and sauce (from tomatoes i canned earlier this year) and he gave me my gifts. a hand made card, a really fun fortune teller/cootie catcher, some great candy, an owl with a rat tape measure that i LOVE, and a bottle of my favourite perfume! holy cows!

i think i got a D, but he sure got an A+!