this was hard for me, so it’s late. a moment when i most felt alive? i’m not really sure. i took this year to turn a lot of things around in my life and get sorted on a new path that is much more interesting and rewarding for me.
but one moment that stands out vividly in my memory is actually so focused on just one little thing that i can’t remember smells or sounds or even *exactly* what i was looking at.
on tax day of 2010 (that’s april 15 just in case there are some non-americans reading) i went to a birthday celebration at a local bar. the bar is dark, and crowded, and loud and i only knew the birthday boy so i was enjoying myself but i wasn’t too involved in any of the conversations.
suddenly, there was a cute guy sitting with the group. curly hair, scarf, vest, nice tweedy jacket… we started talking and really really hit it off.
and this is the part i remember vividly:
at one point in the evening we were sitting side by side, but still in the group and talking to everyone and laughing with everyone. and i wanted to make sure he knew i was interested, that i wasn’t just talking to him cause he was the one who happened to be sitting next to me.
and i can’t quite remember what we were talking about, but it was loud and people were laughing. so i decided that i was going to find a reason to put my hand on his knee *and leave it there for a moment* (like a hussy, right hamster_grrl?). so i psyched myself up for it. i remember being aware of where his leg was, but not looking at it, and waiting for the right moment when everyone laughed again and shifted around and touched each other as friends do when they laugh (they all knew each other; i was the one person from the office.) and soon enough, it happened again. and i have NO idea what was said, i just remember focusing so closely on my hand i felt like i might even sound like i was faking my laugh (so i stopped laughing). and i very purposely set my hand on his knee and did not take it away. and i remember the feel of his knee under my hand and the weight of my hand and the solidity of the feeling of it and i have no memory of where i was looking, all i know was it wasn’t at him or my hand.
*i was trying very hard to make it seem natural!*
lucky me, it worked! he bought me a drink, and offered me a ride home, and kissed me on the way to the car, and actually called the next day like he said he would, and set up a real date with a time and a place to meet and a plan for what we would do. and i just took him to my cousins’ house for thanksgiving, and witnessed him signing his book deal (his 2nd).
and i think he’s going to be around for a long time.