A Treasure Found at Home

i feel that i have quite a bit to be thankful for this year, as every year, certainly.

i’m thankful for bro’s girlfriend inviting me to her family’s thanksgiving celebration down near LA. and i’m also thankful for my cousin’s invitation even though i couldn’t accept due to the afformentioned brother’s girlfriend’s family.

i’m thankful for a unique opportunity i’ve had recently to practice spaciousness. i know that sounds strange and cryptic, but the details aren’t important. just that i had a difficult conversation with someone and it turned out fine. and i’m thankful for that other person in my life.

i’m thankful that hamster_grrl’s visa finally came through!

i’m thankful for both my luck-of-the-draw family and my chosen family.

i’m thankful for my cat still being healthy.

i’m thankful rockstar’s phone doesn’t work at his parents’ place so i could bring it with me since i was a dork and forgot my own phone. (i’m thankful i’ll soon be the owner of a new iphone!)

and i’m thankful for rockstar.

really, the list could go on and on. for all the things i wish were different or less frustrating about my life, there are thousands of ways in which i am very lucky and very blessed… and i know i am loved by many and when it comes down to it, well, that’s what matters.

i helped staff a meditation weekend at our local center this weekend. i have to admit, it was very hard for me this weekend.

i could NOT keep focused. i felt like i wasn’t doing anything more than meditating on my bank account balance, my frustration with a particular situation where i agreed to one thing and ended up with another, … boys. i was reminded of a person who once told me she never tried to return to her breath or focus her meditation in any way. if i keep this up, i’m just going to get more worried and more stressed out.

each day i get an email with a lojong slogan to think about. the one from yesterday, which i read this morning, was “don’t expect applause.” it’s perfect for right now. i’d agreed to help out with something recently, and when it came time to make good i’d been given a very different job than i’d signed up for. if anyone had asked, i’m sure i would have said yes. having it happen without acknowledging it, though… i felt somewhat taken advantage of. it was on my mind quite a bit and i tried to encourage my self with the slogan… to no avail.

last night i was looking forward to a movie after my day of meditation and service. i met my friend at the bookstore next door to the theatre (where they have an OUTDOOR FIREPLACE… hello, new hang out) and we walked over in time for the previews. maybe it was the stress, maybe it was the day of meditation, but i was crying at just the previews (we’re voting on the question of changing our state constitution to deny rights to a particular population and seeing the preview for milk really got to me).

then the movie started. changeling. i told my friend my movie picking privileges have been revoked for some time. talk about heart wrenching! i don’t want to spoil it for you… the movie was well done but hard to watch in some places.

the weekend wan’t all frustration, though. i really liked our director; i enjoyed what i heard of the talks. i was spontaniously complemented on how i set up one of the interview rooms in particular. and i was told it was good to have me as part of the team.

all of which tells me i’m in the right place, on the right path, but right now i feel like the path is all muddy and slippery and i keep sliding off into a ditch along the side.

today i’m going to get my blood drawn. for the first time in long time due to the previously mentioned phobia of getting my skin punctured or cut.

i’ve been tired for ages and my doctor, of course, wants to draw blood. it’s like the most rutine medical procedure next to “open up and say ah”. but for me… i’ve been nervous for days. mamapajama just had her second major surgery in 18 mos and i’m worried about a little blood draw? i have great veins for it, it shouldn’t take long, it’s a perfectly normal thing to do.

today we find out if all that acupuncture has helped. one of the needles i could do was the one in my elbow, so… i’m going to try to psych myself out to imagine that’s what she’s going to do today.

i’ve had to fast, so i’m taking a bag of yummy “fancy” cookies with me as a reward.

whoah, so many people i know are having babies these days. i started to count and i got the idea that hamster_grrl and i are the only ones who don’t have have a child on the way… and she just earned a Ph.D. so, you know, that’s sort of the same thing. i just have an old, cranky cat and my grandmother’s wedding ring.

however, after experiencing first hand just a small helping of the treatment hamster_grrl was getting from the stephamsters, i have to say that the family i do have is really very nice. so, at least i have that.

or, to be more accurate, at least i have THOSE. i have two families, i’m doubly blessed. i’m sure if you’ve spent much time with me at all you know i was adopted. it’s something i’ve always known. in fact, we went to visit the adoption agency where i was picked up when i was quite young. (soon after i informed my mom that i had come down on a cloud.) when i started asking questions about why and what it meant my mother compared the situation to me and my favourite doll.

“what if,” she said to me, “for some reason, you could not take care of her anymore. wouldn’t you want to give her to another little girl who would be able to take care of her?”

i nodded. yes, i would want someone to take care of her if i couldn’t.

“well, that’s the same as your biological mother with you. we don’t know why, but for SOME reason, she couldn’t take care of you so she gave you to us because we could. but she loved you very much.”

always, always, i knew that was true. fast forward many years, i finally do meet my biological mother. we all go back to our hometown and my family came over to meet my other family. when my biological mom came to the door, she and my adoptive mom both grabbed each other and ran off into a corner and huged and cried and thanked each other.

let me say that again.

they huged and cried and thanked each other.

every day there are unexpected pregnancies. many of those babies are concieved by women who are, for whatever reason, unable to take care of those children. children whom they love very much, more even than i loved my doll. they love those as yet unborn babies as much as my biological mother loves me.

and with all the friends of mine who are having babies, i know couples who are not. melissa and eric are two who are not having a baby, though they would very much like to have children. i’m hoping some of you few who still read this blog (of the few who ever read it to begin with) will post their website on your own blog or tweetfeed or whatever, too. with your own story if you have one, or with mine if you wish. i know, i my heart of hearts they will make good parents and melissa will feel toward her child’s birth mother the same way my adoptive mother feels toward my biological mother.

let’s give this world more oportunities for us to hug and cry with happiness and thank each other, shall we?

there are certain rules in life.

i watched one of them get broken as i drove to work yesterday. we were sitting at the red light, waiting. the light is at a T intersection and we were on the cross part of the T. it sort of feels like a light and a cross walk right in the middle of the block. i’ve never had to wait very long there, but apparently the man in the car to my left felt his time was much, much too precious to give even a couple minutes to allow people to cross the street. (though, to be fair, there were no pedestrians at this particular moment.)

he kept creeping up. you know the type. they seem to think that if they crowd the intersection the light will change just to let them through. as i watched him skooch, skooch, skooch up into the crosswalk and then into the intersection.

then

he just drove on through!

really. he’d BEEN STOPPED. and he just decided it was time to go. the person in the vehicle to his left also started to drive, but realised after a second or two that the light was still red and stopped again in the middle of the cross walk.

maybe ten seconds after mr. in-a-hurry decided to run the light it turned green. i caught up to him just about the time i was turning right at the next intersection. his light was red but this time there were cars ahead of him.

i’m sure it hasn’t slipped anyone’s notice that i’m not feeling especially verbose these days. i’ve been… well, i’ve been busy being human. frustrated, happy, hurt, excited, thrilled; and that’s all in one day!

today i read an article by a much more disiplined writer than i am about something near and dear to my heart. airport security. the funny thing is, no one really thinks these rules are doing anything to keep us safe. i have gone through the security line and been teased by agents about what was “illegal” in my carry-on (they really wanted some of those marshmallows)!

bruce schneier points out some of the problems better than i could. it’s a quick read, i promise.

as i reveiw my life…

oh, that sounds so sad and final. let me start again.

i’ve noticed time and time again that i seem much happier at the times when i’m learning things. lately i’ve gotten into a situation where i’m learning a lot, but not every day. some days are more repetative sorts of tasks. i can really tell a difference at the end of the day. today, for instance, the day flew by and i was litterally skipping down the road after work and before my study group.

i love that feeling.

and tonight i’m going to do the second day of the push-up regimen. i can actually still feel the push-ups from day one. that’s crazy. i guess i’m more out of shape than i thought i was.

but with all this learning and push-ups going on, i’m going to be smarter and stronger than ever~ HA! A HA  HA HA! A HA AHA! … so that’s, you know, coming along.

today i was talking to a coworker about boys in their 20s and late teens. they are his preference and he said something about how good looking they are. he’s taking a class at a local night school and is sometimes distracted by one of his classmates.

i had to agree the young kids do look good these days. “i’m sure,” i said, “they don’t look that much different than they did when i was in my early 20s, but for some reason they just look so much nicer!”

i paused.

…

“actually, come to think of it, that was the end of grunge. they actually didn’t look as nice! they weren’t washing or brushing their hair and their clothes didn’t fit!”

last saturday i went to a meditation in the historic sweets ballroom. the theme had something to do with compassion and was partially lead by jack kornfield but sponsored by the east bay meditation center.

because we were supposed to be learning about compassion, jk led us in a specific a visualization. he asked us to close our eyes and imagine being in one of the most difficult situations we’ve been in.  (i thought of a particular meeting with my women’s circle.) then we were supposed to notice a being of great compassion coming in the door (or across the field if we were outside) and excuse ourselves. my being was taller than me by at least a head, was apparently made of white light, and wasn’t identifiable as anyone in particular (others met the dalai lama, buddha, quan yin, jesus, a father, an aunt…) then we traded bodies with the being and we (now in the other’s body) became invisible. we followed our bodies back to the situation, sat down, and watched the deal with it.

i couldn’t hear anything my being was saying to them as me.

then it as me excused itself again and we walked back into the hall where we traded bodies again. then the being gave me a gift. mine was a clear crystal spiral on a thin silver chain. then it gave us some words of advice. mine said something about remembering they’re fearful, too.

then jk asked for examples of who we had seen, what gifts we were given, and what we had been told. i volunteered that i’d been given a spiral. i thought i had spoken clearly and loudly, but he said, “a sparkle?”

and i thought, “yes, in fact, yes.”

i’ve been traveling a lot this summer. weekend camping trips, filemaker devcon, italy, florida… and there is still more to come.

my dad’s mom died about a week ago. she’d been praying for it, so for her sake i’m relieved. anyhow, that’s really another post. in regard to this post, it means more travel.

i’m flying to ohio in a couple more weeks, then four days after i return i fly to vegas to drive to black rock with hamster_grrl.

galahad is not happy.

for some of the longer trips i’ve had someone come stay with him, and that’s worked out nicely. he’s much happier that way. but he’s still rather shaken up by the whole ordeal. now if i touch my suitcase at all, he hides under the bed. i was UNpacking and he hid. i tried to coax him out, to calm him and give him treats, but he was having none of it. he sat there under the bed with his paws tucked under him and the treats in a line in front of his nose. no dice.

i sort of know how he feels. as much as i love travel, i’m feeling like i don’t want to give up too much more of my free time this month. august is always busy with burning man prep, but i have to get it all done *this* weekend because of other commitments.

next week i have one free evening. i plan to fold clothes and do laundry, and hang out with my cat on the couch.

last night i went to the fire arts festival at the crucible. several people asked me if i would be there, and i repeatedly said no. i had other plans friday and was heading out of town sunday so i needed to clean my house and pack.

then when i was shopping for some last minute business trip stuff, i noticed a voice mail from the person i was supposed to meet that night. he was having a hard time making it happen… the bay was too pretty and he would rather be sailing. plus, half an hour between our neighbourhoods was a significant distance. huh. well. that’s fine, i was more interested in the fire anyhow, but it again pointed out this strange sort of feeling of ‘otherness’ i have here in the bay area.

the psychological barrier of the bay is amazing to me. people do not like to cross bridges to see each other. then there’s the strange relationship with honesty. moments where i would choose to be vauge, others are frighteningly honest, and where i believe honesty is critical and necissary others are vauge or won’t discuss at all.

strange communications aside, i had a great time at the fire arts festival. again, i forgot my camera (something that’s been happening more and more lately). you’ll have to check out flickr for illustrations. i ran into my neighbours and a dude i used to work with. a couple times during the evening i was struck with how much fun and spectical we were having using fire when so much of the rest of the state is on fire in a dangerous, frightening way right now.

i’m reminded of how, as humans, our emotions can sometimes not be identified without external circumstances — how love and broken heartedness feel the same, how fear and attraction sometimes feel the same, too.

it gives a girl some insight into what she’s not blogging about, even if she’s thinking about it.

i woke up this morning thinking of things i didn’t do for work. ugh. and then i thought about things i didn’t do at home. meh.

and then i started to consider, again, the things i’m not doing for me.

i can’t say i’m especially fond of these types of mornings.

my car is in the shop so i’m putting of going to work because i have to ride my bike. since the air has been smokey from the fires i’ve been driving again, plus with the early morning panic wake up i’m not feeling very sprightly.

ok, to work and breakfast!

it’s been quite a while since i wrote one of these. i’m slacking.

1. guy at desk knows i’m legit and doesn’t make me wait for someone to sign me in
2. oatmeal
3. bacon
4. free breakfast
5. m&m’s
6. galahad is healthy
7. close call, almost an accident on the way home, but everyone was ok and the driver didn’t hit anything
8. ring fixed and returned
9. avacado

really?

really.

it changed your life? how?

i hear people say this about things all the time. “such and such book changed my life!” even “i never ate ____ until _____ and it changed my life!”

i’m starting to think maybe i use this “changed my life” phrase differently than others. i expect more out of it. a recent post on lifehacker asked readers to reply listing books which changed their lives. today i saw the results.

and, really, i’m stunned. ok, the bible was on the list as was some richard dawkins. i understand why those might be on there. i can see a fundamental shift in one’s belief system as an even worthy of the phrase “changed my life”.

but, “the lord of the rings” trilogy? “the hitchiker’s guide to the galaxy”? i’ve read both series. i’ve greatly enjoyed both series. i sometimes wonder if i should always have a towel with me, and i used to wish for hairier feet.

but unless you actually HAVE started carrying a towel with you everywhere, i’m not clear how this book, or series of books, could actually change your life. the only possible theories i can come up with are far-fetched and possible for only a small percentage of readers, statistically speaking. (you know, someone decided to change his legal name to that of a car and  was sued into poverty by the manufacturer of said car - that sort of thing.)

yes, “the lord of the rings” is a fantastic comentary on europe and the time leading up to and including england’s engagement in WWII. if you follow that metaphor for the series, you’re probably already aware of the political climate in which it was written.

i suppose i reserve “it changed my life” for events wich change the course of my life more than an average day already does. every choice changes my life. tasting spinach in high school lead me to realize i like spinach and to start eating it in scrambles and salads and crepes. but i wouldn’t consider it a life-changing event. i don’t believe my life would be significantly different now had i continued without spinach as part of my diet.

i did read a book recently that *may* change my life. it is part of a series of events (conversations, books, realizations) which has gotten me to really think about some things in a different way. but, if i stay on this course, i’ll only consider it a good book full of food for though. i won’t list it among books that changed my life.

what about you? how significant does something have to be for you to say it changed your life. am i expecting too much from this phrase?

oh my goodness. i can not tell you how excited i am about this.

WB is making a remake of ‘clash of the titans’! details, here.

i kid you not, this is one of my favourite movies.

i flew in from florida last night. i won’t talk too much about the wad of 12 year olds sitting around us, and their three adult “advisers” who didn’t manage to advise them to settle down and be quiet and stop kicking and waking other passengers until we were landing in sfo.

i saw grandma almost daily in florida. she made a remarkable improvement while i was there. one of my aunts said, “we’re thinking the m-word,” right after i arrived (that’s m-iracle). no one could believe she would last the week yet when i saw her sunday morning on my way to the airport, she was sitting up in her chair. or, rather, she was in her chair leaned back and would sometimes sit up to ask a question.

her eyesight is almost completely gone and she keeps her left eye closed in hopes that doing so will mean she’ll be able to see more when she does open it. she doesn’t want pain meds because she says they make her hallucinate, but she’s in a LOT of pain. we’ve found oxycontin (is that how it’s spelled? the one everyone gets addicted to.)… we’ve found that works well for her, but the hospice won’t let US ask for it, it has to come from grandma, who forgets that it doesn’t have the unpleasant side effects. so we talk her into it every couple days, she says she feels better, then we tell her it’s because of the pain meds, she expresses surprise, then only remembers the bad experiences by the time the pain comes back. or thinks she shouldn’t ask for some other reason (she doesn’t want to be a bother, etc.).

she’s supposed to go home today! not because she’s well enough to live at home, really, but because of some missteps at the hospital before she was released to hospice. apparently, she was released 6 hours short of the time required for medicare to pay the first 100 days of her nursing home. now, six hours in a hospital is not  a lot of time. we’re not talking a whole day, even. i’ve been “lost” in a hospital for a couple hours before. (i was where i was supposed to be, but they didn’t look all the way in the room and claimed i was gone.) so, the big question is why didn’t anyone in-the-know notice? we didn’t even know, at the time, about the requirement.

so, dad and unc spent a couple days negotiating with someone who wants very much to be important and influential, but is instead the social worker assigned to families at a small florida hospice. and while i can say with certainty that he will be remembered and talked about by this family, it’s not going to be in the way most people would like that for themselves. my aunt very directly and very plainly gave him what-for when she thought she was leaving the hospice for the last time. (she told him the meeting with him was worse than any meeting with an inept school psychologist she’d ever had in her 32 years of teaching.) this dude had us convinced our only option was to take grandma home immediately because the hospice was all out of pocket, in a car because the ambulance ride would be so expensive, and try to care for her with what we had there. OR pay out of pocket for a nursing home which we couldn’t even really pick ourselves. at one point he told the family HE would decide what would happen and then actually had the gall to ask how much money the rest of the family has. (not, will you be able to help your mother pay for this and how much support are you able to give, but - how much do you have in the bank?) and said, “blah blah blah, rich families like you, blah blah blah” !!!

after talking to his supervisor we found that all hospice care is covered, that includes the rental of home health equipment. in fact, they wouldn’t let us take her home without first having a hospital bed, table, and bedside toilet (at least) delivered to her house. a home care nurse called and will meet with everyone still there about how to empty the catheter bag, change sheets, wash grandma… etc. also, the ambulance ride from the hospice to home is covered. the supervisor stopped at one point in the conversation with dad and unc and said, “i take it this is all a surprise to you?”

so, huge improvement from friday’s belief that we were taking her home, completely unprepared, by car.

dad, however, already returned her wheelchair so he’s going to have to go re-rent that.

it’s morning and i’m pouring my yogurt and granola while mom gets herself ready to go on her 4 mile round trip walk to starbucks where she has a latte and does sudoku. she puts on her sunglasses, flips the switch on her sansa mp3 player, and gives me the thumbs up. i notice something a little strange about the picture, though.

me: mom, is that soda in your water bottle?

mom, playfully defensive: it’s my diet pop!

pointing at me: YOU!*

she grabbed it with both hands and protected it with her body as she walked past me out the door.

* this is the family shortcut for “Abasta!” or “you, stop saying what you’re saying even if it is true.”

grandma is on her way out. there’s no way to really ease into that fact, so i’ll just go ahead and say it. i found out sunday at the end of the Open Sky level meditation class. everyone else was celebrating and i was sitting in the corner, crying. you could say i like to really use what i learn as quickly as possible.

i booked a flight as soon as i got to work the next day. it took me some time to decide what to do. i knew my parents would tell me i didn’t have to come, that after she dies will be more important, but i really wanted to be with the family and help them with this transition.

a friend of mine, m, offered to both take galahad for the week and drive me to the airport. what luck! i got there early, had dinner, then noticed my flight had been delayed until something like 4:19AM! which of course meant i’d miss my connection and have to be stuck in kennedy till the next day as there was only one flight to sqr a day — at least i think that’s what they were telling me.

i was crushed. i called mom, i called m, i called hamster_grrl. remarkably, it took us all to get the thing all sorted out. m offered to come get me, mom told me to get a refund and she’d book a new flight with miles, and hamster_grrl mentioned that all the delayed people were going to be trying for the same flights i wanted.

i got my refund with no problem (really, i can’t say enough about how well Jet Blue treated me. big props to them.) and called mom again to ask her to start looking into flights. i thought for sure i wouldn’t make it out in time, and i sat in front of the airport and cried. it was so interesting to feel the waves of grief come over me, and almost more interesting that they weren’t uncontrolable and yet i could still feel the rising of each wave.

mom found a flight, but it left in just over one hour (70 min) from sfo… i was at oakland. m agreed by phone to try for it, he was just over a mile away. by the time he got to me, though, mom had nixed that plan (the woman she was talking to couldn’t confirm a seat for me.) and we sat in the car waiting to find out if i was flying that night or the next morning and from which airport. i got confirmed on a 12:4something flight out of sfo. m willingly drove me over the bridge and dropped me off more than two hours early.

which was lucky.

i couldn’t check in with the self serve machines so i talked to a counter agent. he told me the certificat hadn’t gone through. no miles had been used to pay for the flight! the ticket had not been bought!

he was going on break but told me he’d check again when i got back. mom should call the airline again and get them to re-issue the certificate and to make sure i had confirmation from him before she hung up. if he wasn’t back before she did her part, his co-worker with the brown ponytail would help me. just wave and even if she was with someone else she’d just look up the confirmation number and tell me if it was through or not.

well… let’s just say ponytail woman wasn’t making any friends that night. i know when flights are canceled and delayed that the agents have a really hard time, but one girl my age was reduced to tears by this woman. to the point where strangers were asking her if she was ok and the other agent had to take over. and ponytail didn’t even blink an eye. she didn’t acknowledge me at all when i asked her to look up my confirmation number, to fulfill her promise to the dude. she hardly looked at the people she was supposed to be helping.

i told mom i’d just call her back, my friendly guy came back from break, confirmed it had gone through, and printed a boarding pass for me. i waited until i was through security to send mom a text.

i hardly slept on the plane, though, as the dude behind me must have been six foot three, at the very least, and didn’t have room for his knees. every time he would move he’d get me in the back. it couldn’t have been comfortable for him, either.

i landed in dallas in time to see a beautiful texas sunrise! man, i had no idea how much i missed those.

i had breakfast at a chain restaurant in the terminal and wandered a bit. i ended up at the gate that had been mine, and the agents noticed me sitting there alone and told me my gate had been changed. i wandered down to the new gate, nearly passed out before boarding, slept for probably a good two of the two and a half hours from dfw to tampa, and got picked up by mom.

we went to chick-fil-a for lunch. i drank dr. pepper. i was not in california.

grandma was so glad to see me that she kissed my hand over and over and told me several times how much she loves me and how wonderful i am and how happy she is about me. then she said, “Tell [my brother].” so i did.

i sent him an email saying that grandma had told me i’m her favourite.*

i’m so glad i’m here. it’s not easy to see her this way and my heart breaks to see my aunts and uncles and parents (and her neighbours) get choked up. and it breaks my heart to see her be scared and confused, she’s blind and the hospice is unfamiar to her. but i try to stay grounded and to bring peace to the situation. and i remind her that, just like a mother does for her babies, we will always come back.

*ok, yes, she could have meant to tell him she feels the same about him… it’s open to interpretation.

seems like most of the women/couples i know are either pregnant or had a baby within the past year or so. i’m so happy for all of them (one is having twins - a boy and a girl!) it’s a celebration of life everywhere i turn.

Princess_Jennifred started her personal army family nine years ago, and has written one of the best happy birthday posts i’ve seen. congratulations, zach, happy birthday! nine years, way to go.