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Archive for the ‘mr.marsh’ Category

#reverb10: 7 and 8

10 Dec

i’ve been stuck on day 7 for a while now. you may notice that today is actually the 10th. but i’m just not sure what to write about day 7’s word, so maybe i’ll write about how i’m just not sure.

community.

i’ve been part of a couple-a-few communities in my life. in 7th grade i went to the american community school (ACS) in the UK. (the one in cobham, not the one in london, just in case you wondered.) i’ve live in a gated community. been part of churches and sanghas and intentional community. they’re all so very different and all so much the same, too. community wasn’t a big big deal to me growing up because i moved around and switched schools so much i never really spent much time in any one community.

california has been a new experience for me community-wise, and i feel like i’m still trying to figure it all out. i’m hoping next year i get really settled into a community that feels steady and sold. and maybe isn’t full of people who think just like me, but also isn’t full of people who think nothing like me. somewhere that has a feeling of “we’re all in this together”. so, yeah, i’m talking about nursing school again. i’m just going to end up where i end up. a number of schools are impacted so there seems to be a lot of chance that factors into where students are accepted. and i hope knowing that we’ve all worked really hard to get where we are, and that we all have a lot of work ahead of us, and that we’re all doing it for basically the same reasons, will give us a sense of community that will support us through the hard times and help turn them into good times.

beautifully different.

the prompt for this one says, in part, “Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.”

for me, the things that make me different also make me difficult. i know this is supposed to be a self-esteem building sort of prompt, but i don’t really think i’m there yet. not 100% anyhow. there are certainly people at school who really encourage and celebrate my logic and ability to recall facts. (one classmate of mine from bio last year bragged to our whole chem class that it’d gotten the highest grade on the most recent test.) and i know mr. marsh loves me for it — but i also know there are times that he gets frustrated and hurt by the way i express what i know (and think he should, too, because it’s *so* obvious). luckily for me, he tries and usually succeeds at not taking it personally.

and there are people who … well … let’s just say not everyone appreciates the way my mind works. i would really, actually like to be corrected with regard to some urban legend or misunderstanding of a concept. hey, did you know that the ability to roll your tongue or not is actually NOT genetic? and that there is NO reason to believe that jamie lee curtis has any sort of odd genetic sex thing going on? or that you don’t necessarily have a 50/50 chance of something just because there are only two outcomes?

i’m *learning* to try to keep my mouth shut when stuff like that comes up, but i suffer from that same incorrect assumption that so many others do. turns out not everyone feels the same way about being corrected as i do. (why not? why wouldn’t you want to know the more true answer? wouldn’t you want to know the more direct way? wha??? it flusters me to think about it.)

i also am trying to remember that when i ask questions to try to better understand something that i don’t understand, other people don’t always like that. especially if they don’t have an answer. questions like, “but then why is it ok for her to do that if it’s not ok for me to do that?” or “i don’t think i understand the point; can you tell me what the reason for xyz?” are never well received.  (BTW, what is the correct punctuation when you’re quoting a question in a declarative sentence? anyone? my english language usage book is downstairs and i’m too lazy to go find it.)

so, i’m still feeling a bit tender about my “beautiful differences”. i’ve been in the outgroup a LOT because of them. not always, to be sure, but often enough and recently enough that i’m not really ready to be a cheerleader for how different i am. i’d rather find a way to see how these same attributes make me “beautifully ordinary”.

 

#reverb10 3: moment

04 Dec

this was hard for me, so it’s late. a moment when i most felt alive? i’m not really sure. i took this year to turn a lot of things around in my life and get sorted on a new path that is much more interesting and rewarding for me.

but one moment that stands out vividly in my memory is actually so focused on just one little thing that i can’t remember smells or sounds or even *exactly* what i was looking at.

on tax day of 2010 (that’s april 15 just in case there are some non-americans reading) i went to a birthday celebration at a local bar. the bar is dark, and crowded, and loud and i only knew the birthday boy so i was enjoying myself but i wasn’t too involved in any of the conversations.

suddenly, there was a cute guy sitting with the group. curly hair, scarf, vest, nice tweedy jacket… we started talking and really really hit it off.

and this is the part i remember vividly:

at one point in the evening we were sitting side by side, but still in the group and talking to everyone and laughing with everyone. and i wanted to make sure he knew i was interested, that i wasn’t just talking to him cause he was the one who happened to be sitting next to me.

and i can’t quite remember what we were talking about, but it was loud and people were laughing. so i decided that i was going to find a reason to put my hand on his knee *and leave it there for a moment* (like a hussy, right hamster_grrl?).  so i psyched myself up for it. i remember being aware of where his leg was, but not looking at it, and waiting for the right moment when everyone laughed again and shifted around and touched each other as friends do when they laugh (they all knew each other; i was the one person from the office.) and soon enough, it happened again. and i have NO idea what was said, i just remember focusing so closely on my hand i felt like i might even sound like i was faking my laugh (so i stopped laughing). and i very purposely set my hand on his knee and did not take it away. and i remember the feel of his knee under my hand and the weight of my hand and the solidity of the feeling of it and i have no memory of where i was looking, all i know was it wasn’t at him or my hand.

*i was trying very hard to make it seem natural!*

lucky me, it worked! he bought me a drink, and offered me a ride home, and kissed me on the way to the car, and actually called the next day like he said he would, and set up a real date with a time and a place to meet and a plan for what we would do. and i just took him to my cousins’ house for thanksgiving, and witnessed him signing his book deal (his 2nd).

and i think he’s going to be around for a long time.