man, i let go of a lot this past year. or, at least, i tried to. i let go of being an IT geek. i let go of db development. i let go of thinking that no one here would want to date me. (see post below about moment.) i have been trying to let go of some lingering yuck from a few years back. i know, it sounds like if it is a couple years old it should be pretty easy to let go by now, but i’m pretty sure that particular yuck re-wired some of my brain. so, to sum up, this past year i worked hard on letting go of not being good enough.
not good enough to:
- be paid enough to cover my bills
- have a job i really really enjoy and am really really good at
- have my opinion respected at work
- ever get promoted
- be respected by my date/friends
- have my friends show up for me when i need support
now i’m not saying that every friend and every job made me feel this way, but those were the overarching themes in my life for a while there. i think for several years i got paid *less* for every job i took! now i don’t have a paying job, so i’m pretty sure i’ve hit the bottom of that trend.
i was starting over at every job i had and so always at the bottom of the totem pole. i never used the same system twice in 10 years worth of jobs in california!
so, i decided to drop all that trying so hard to please other people and started trying to find out what would please me. it sounds really harsh, but for a while i wanted my friends to prove to me that they were going to *at least* appreciate that i was going out of my way before i did any favours. no more buying $60 breakfasts for 4 without so much as a thanks. no more waiting four hours to give someone a ride — and then getting a snotty email about how i wasn’t nice enough and “the thing is it’s about love”.
now, if you don’t show up, i don’t show up. and it feels great. and people thank me for doing things, and they are (mostly) on time, and they tell me how they care about me.
and i’m working toward an RN, which will fulfill so many of my work related goals. i’ll be able to find a job, i’ll be paid well, i’ll have specialized knowledge that i’ll want to share with others. i’ll be helpy in a real way. (and no more 3am phone calls to change the name on an email address!)
so, to sum up, i let go of the meh-ness of my life.
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so, part of letting go of the “not good enough” rhetoric of the past has been making little crafty things. just last night and this morning i was working on a fairy tale related ATC (artist trading card). the fairy tale in question is ‘the rose tree’.
so first i embossed the musical notes, then i coloured them, and part of the background, with distress ink. then i printed the song really small, cut it out, coffee stained it, and glued the lines to the ATC. easy peasy, except that just a few months ago i would have been *way* too intimidated to even try it! go, me!